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Somebody Buy These Birds: Seahawks Officially On Sale (Confetti Still in Hair)
In a move that has all of Seattle doing a collective “wait, WHAT?!”, the Paul G. Allen Estate has announced the Seahawks are for sale, roughly ten days after those same birds hoisted the Lombardi Trophy. Champions. For sale. The confetti from the parade is still clogging Seattle storm drains and Jody Allen is out here posting a “For Sale” sign on the Lumen Field lawn.
Apparently, this was always the plan. Paul Allen left instructions in his will saying the team must eventually be sold with proceeds going to charity. So technically the Seahawks winning a Super Bowl just made this the most expensive charitable donation in human history. Go 12s!
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Money Stuff
How Much For the Birds? (Asking for a Friend Named Jeff)
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The last team sold was the Washington Commanders in 2023 for a “mere” $6.05 billion. These birds are expected to shatter that record faster than a Coby Bryant interception.
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Rumor Mill
Who’s Gonna Buy Our Birds? Your Shopping List of Potential Bird Bosses
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Steve Ballmer — Already owns the Clippers. Owns loud sweaters. Would scream at every game. Honestly, kind of perfect.
Bill Gates — Co-founded Microsoft with Paul Allen. Could rename them the Seattle Spreadsheets.
Howard Schultz — Former Starbucks CEO who already made Seattle mad once by letting the Sonics leave. If he buys the Seahawks and screws it up, he will need a very good security detail.
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AROUND THE COOP
Around the Coop
The Seahawks are reportedly hiring Northern Illinois HC Thomas Hammock as RBs coach. KW3 said he wants back. This chicken coop is getting stocked. 710 ESPN 710 ESPN
There’s trade buzz around Raiders pass rusher Maxx Crosby. Because apparently winning a Super Bowl just wasn’t enough carnage for this fanbase.
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NFC WEST SCHADENFREUDE REPORT
RAMS
Los Angeles Rams Sean McVay is reportedly so bored he’s been rearranging his whiteboard just to feel something. The Rams made no major moves this week, which is itself a move, we guess.
NINERS
San Francisco 49ers The Niners are still in therapy after blowing yet another shot at a title. Brock Purdy continues to stare at the ceiling at 3am. Our thoughts and prayers. 🙏
CARDINALS
Arizona Cardinals Still building. Still rebuilding. Still… something. Bless their hearts. 🐦
SEACHICKENS TRIVIA
In what year did the Seahawks play in their first Super Bowl, and what was the final score?
Tap to Reveal the Answer
Super Bowl XL (Feb 5, 2006) — Pittsburgh Steelers 21, Seahawks 10. A loss so painful it still has its own trauma response in Seattle.
THIS DAY IN SEAHAWKS HISTORY
2014
The Legion of Boom Peaks
On this date in 2014, fresh off their dominant Super Bowl XLVIII win, the Seahawks were widely considered the greatest defense in NFL history. Richard Sherman was giving press conferences. Marshawn Lynch was not. Life was good.
THE GOLDEN EGG
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THE MAILBAG
Should I be panicking about the sale?
— Nervous in Northgate
Dear Nervous: You live in Seattle. Panicking is your birthright. But in this case, probably not. The NFL vets all buyers heavily, the team isn’t relocating, and whoever pays $10 billion for something is not going to immediately set it on fire. That said: if Howard Schultz makes an offer, you may panic. Briefly.
Got a take? A question? A bone to pick?
Send us your hot takes, burning questions, or confessions about secretly liking a 49ers player. No judgment. (Some judgment.)
See you tomorrow. — The Rooster